I started the book at the beach and I’ve made pretty good progress. However, the last couple of days were spent not reading all that much – not able to concentrate on much of anything, obviously – although I intend to now dive back into it. Bobby and I at least have a plan. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s a plan.
I actually consider it quite the stroke of luck that I was reading Anna Karenina when all of this came about. There is so much to say about the book that I don’t feel very confident about the post I’ll have to complete when I finish the book. However, one of the aspects of the book that I appreciate most at the moment is the fact that the romantic relationships portrayed in the book are totally realistic. (See my lovely blogging friend Brandon’s take on the book: see August 1, 2008.) Nothing is lovely and wonderful forever. Some things have to simply be dealt with.
I especially enjoy Anna and Vronsky’s relationship. The great chick-flick cliche is the woman married to the wrong man who runs off with another man to live happily ever after, the assumption being that she had always been meant to be with this man. Not so for Anna and Vronsky. They meet, they become infatuated, they deceive Anna’s husband, they run away together… and they eventually resent the hell out of each other. Nothing stays that good, it simply changes. It’s not a bad sign when things change, but they do, and you have to be ready for it and have no illusions left.
That said, I’d like to be perfectly honest about what happened with Bobby: it is really and truly my fault. You see, I am not of the sweetest temperment. I am very high-strung, and I have a lot of anxiety and OCD going on. I have some bipolar tendencies and, to put the cherry on top, I get some of the worst premenstrual moodswings you’ll ever see in your life. I get along with most people… but I’m a difficult person to get close to, because all of this comes out sooner or later.
It was after reading about Kitty’s treatment of Nikolai and his situation with Levin that I thought to myself, “That is what I want. That is my new goal. I want to do nothing but be there for Bobby, be excited for everything he’s excited about, support him in everything he does, and make his life generally easier and happier than it would be without me.” Ironically, it was that night that Bobby told me that things just weren’t working out… not that this was news to me.
I saw him today. He had bagged up all of the stuff I had lying around his house. He alternated between crying and saying he didn’t want to lose his best friend and saying that he had been thisclose to calling me last night, to insisting that nothing will ever change and things can’t be fixed. I don’t mind saying that I don’t want to break up with him. Although it was a huge relief when he finally admitted that it wasn’t working out – I knew it was coming long before he actually said it – I still don’t agree with the idea of breaking up. Bobby and I each believe that there is still so much good left, and I think that there’s enough of it and it’s so good that it’s worth trying to salvage. He tends to say the exact opposite of whatever I’m saying at the moment (no surprise there **laugh**).
I came to my parents tonight posing a question: I have always been strong-willed… is it okay to give up the dominant position? As a woman, and a very stubborn one at that, I have always insisted on being the boss. I have always been the dominant person in the relationship but, as I asked my parents tonight, is it okay to allow your partner to be dominant if they consistently have your best interests in mind?
I was almost afraid to ask both parents about this, as I expected both of them to take one look at their darling daughter and say, “Never! YOU are the boss, and that’s how it should be.” But in fact, they each separately said the exact opposite. I explained that Bobby, being older, more experienced, and having far more common sense, tends to be generally in charge. But whenever we have a show-less weekend, he makes a point of asking what I want to do. He always wants to know what I want to eat. He wants to know if I’m ready to sleep. He wants to know if I’m comfortable. He provides and pays for absolutely everything.
The problem is simply that, every so often, I sit up and think, “Wait a minute! Why should HE be the boss???” And for no apparent reason… although my mother just pointed out that these difficulties tend to arise, not surprisingly, about once a month. So I posed this question to my parents. If he is constantly making a point of taking care of me and ensuring that everything is okay, is it okay to **gulp** LET him be dominant?
Yes, it is. There is no reason for me to fight him for control of everything when he’s taking care of me anyway. There is no reason for me to make a problem just for the sake of making problems. There is no reason I can’t simply relax and let him take over… because, truth be told, things go more smoothly when he is in charge. Shouldn’t that be the easiest thing in the world, then?
I feel infinitely more confident in this just having had this realization and this talk with my parents. Bobby and I have a sort of “togetherness” weekend planned in a couple of weeks. I guess we’re going to see if it goes smoothly, if we’re still bitter or not. I can say that I probably won’t be. That’s just how I work. He holds onto things longer than I do, so of course I’m afraid that even if all goes well, he still won’t be content.
The greatest concern I have right now is that, as he tends to emphasize whatever I am not emphasizing at the moment, this won’t go well simply because it’s what I wanted. He agreed, of course, but it was clearly what I wanted and he made it clear he wasn’t optimistic. I sort of believe that the opposite of what was decided would be what would happen. If we had made a clean break of it, I know he would have missed me like crazy, he would have been intensely sad, and he probably would have questioned the decision for a good while. However, now that we have decided to sort of decompress for a couple of weeks, I’m afraid of him being upset that it came to that and then being unable to relax and enjoy it even if we do have a good time in a couple of weeks.
But really I could talk this in circles all night. It is what it is. My mom’s final word was this: If he’s still bitter when we get together again, then that’s on him and there’s nothing more I could have done at this point. Two weeks should be plenty of time to cool off if any cooling off is going to take place.
And that’s not to say that it’s a problem with him if he is still too bitter to enjoy it a little while from now. It’s just different for me. And unfortunate. And right this moment I would give anything to let him take control and plan whatever he wants and just relax and go along for the ride. Because he takes care of me. Whatever else he does, he takes care of me.
And now Brandon rolls his eyes and reminds himself how glad he is to be single. **laugh**
I got a little off-topic, but this is all that’s going through my head as I continue Anna Karenina.
